Who Am I Now? Motherhood and Identity Part II

By Winema Wilson Lanoue, Blacksburg, Virginia

Part I can be found here.

shutterstock_154655666Preserving Time for What We Love

It can be helpful to let partners, friends, and family members know that we still need to talk about and do the things we love and not have every conversation and activity be only about the baby. While it’s natural and expected that our world revolves around this new member of our family, it’s also okay to show interest in pre-baby activities. Each week we can ask for help—even for small requests that help us feel like ourselves. We often underestimate how much we truly need this! Just a few minutes dancing or playing music or painting can make everything else seem fresh and wonderful again.

Author Eckhart Tolle mentions how activities that make us feel “in the zone” will feed our spirit. When we do something that we love and that we find inspiring, we don’t notice what time it is or what is going on in the next room. We aren’t worrying about the family coming to visit next week or what the doctor said about the baby’s weight. We are truly just being. We are truly in the moment. And being in the moment with something we do for ourselves can help us learn to be in the moment as parents.

Consider spending a little time making a list of the things that make you feel this way. Write down a few items. Take a couple of minutes or more if needed. Make one be a priority as often as you can. Many mothers report that even the smallest thing, done in this way, keeps them on a more even keel. And it doesn’t matter what it is. If five minutes alone in the bathroom, away from everyone, to look at the gardening magazines you love is when you feel “in the zone,” then do it! It is not frivolous to do this for yourself. It is necessary for your well-being and for the preservation and evolution of your identity.

Taking time for what you love is also important for your children to see. They need to see your partner respecting your needs and passions beyond mothering. What is good for your identity and sense of self is good for theirs as well.

shutterstock_263362403This Too Shall Pass

“This too shall pass” (or some version of it) is a saying that has probably been shared with us at some point on our parenting journey. It’s usually intended to reassure us that the hard times we are having will pass soon. Originally, the phrase was supposed to have been applicable both ways and a reminder both to have hope when things are hard and to be humble in triumph!

I’d like to offer another view of this phrase to parents of babies and young children.

This (the brief moment when your child is just like she is, right now), too, shall pass. It will be gone, for better or worse, and we will view it with the same dusty and somewhat unreliable lens that we view everything in the past.

I know it doesn’t feel that way when we are in it. We can’t imagine that we won’t always perfectly remember the sweet, warm feeling of our hands on our baby’s soft belly. We think we’ll always remember that gummy grin and the sound of her laughter, the feel of the fuzz on her head. But they grow up fast! Those specific memories will quickly be replaced by new memories: toothy toddler smiles, long, skinny sun-soaked legs, the smell of a teenager’s underarms and big sweaty feet.

The truth is that nights full of broken hours do pass. Three-year-old tantrums and babies who stay attached to the breast even when asleep will pass. Teething passes. Sickness passes. Neediness passes. And we are probably going to miss it – at least some of it!

We all know this. It seems obvious, doesn’t it? Yet we don’t often live like we know it. We exist in survival mode, just trying to get through this day, this year, this parenting journey, as if it is all a race to see our children successfully grown and heading off to college so we can both miss them and move on with our own lives.

We are going to be ourselves, or some version of ourselves, for a very long time, hopefully! Our babies are only going to be who they are at this moment for a very short time. It can really help to remember that. Giving in to the moment, being there for our children even when it isn’t convenient or even pleasant, is a gift and a miracle. It is a gift because it teaches us to be present, and that is a lesson that will serve us for the rest of our lives, in whatever we do. It is a miracle because few of us have ever learned to stop thinking ahead or behind and live in the moment, and there is joy and peace in the moments with our children. This is not wasted time, even in terms of our passions and professions!

We don’t have to let worry that self-identity may cause us to miss these brief moments as they pass. We can trust that these moments are where we will find the keys to being a new and better self, however that comes about. And, even better, we can become our better selves without regretting how little we allowed ourselves to truly experience the time when our children were young.

shutterstock_48701860Opening Up to Who You Are Becoming

Mainstream culture doesn’t always positively portray our desire to be with our children as much as we can and truly value our role as mothers (whether we work outside the home or not). It can be disheartening to feel like others might view that desire as a throwback to the “old days” when women didn’t have anything else to do but stay at home “barefoot and pregnant” (as if it was ever actually that simple!). Even women who return to work at jobs they love very much can feel distress to leave their babies and wish that they could be with them more. It isn’t just their home-self that is different after having a baby, but their work-self, as well, that can change. Some of these changes can be hard; some can be good. Some mothers report that they feel a new sense of confidence at work and are able to speak up for themselves in a way they couldn’t before. Some mothers find that what once interested them with their job no longer tugs at them as deeply and as much as the thought of being with their children.

It doesn’t matter, actually, what the exact changes are that mothering makes in our lives. The point is that those changes help make us who we are—who we will be. It is so hard for most of us to accept change, but really, just having a child changes everything forever. This is a chance to realize that change is not a negative part of life. The patience, the unconditional acceptance of another person, the wisdom to pick our battles wisely, and all that we learn through parenting brings a depth of character to any future work we do, in any area.

Who You Are at this Moment

Who do you identify as at this moment? Is mother the first word that comes to mind? You may also paint or dance or practice law (or wish to do those things) but right now, while your baby is falling asleep in your arms and you know that you are the absolute most beloved and most needed person in her life, you are her mother. And that is okay. Actually, it is more than okay. It’s amazing! Breathe in and breathe out along with your baby and know that you are still you.